Five Strategies to Make Yourself More Lovable
Psychology Today
by Douglas T. Kenrick Ph.D.February 25, 2026
AI-Generated Deep Dive Summary
Making oneself more lovable is often approached through self-focused questions, but a new book by Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis reframes this perspective by emphasizing the importance of making others feel loved. Drawing on extensive research in psychology, the authors argue that fostering love and connection with others is key to feeling loved in return. Their book, *How to Feel Loved*, offers evidence-based strategies rooted in rigorous scientific studies, distinguishing it from many pop-psychology books that lack empirical support.
The authors highlight that good relationships are central to happiness, yet there’s a gap in communication between relationship researchers and happiness researchers. The book focuses on actionable behaviors that promote feelings of love in others, such as sharing intimate details thoughtfully and selectively, taking emotional risks by leading in conversations, and adopting a “listening to learn” mindset. These strategies require intentionality, understanding the right timing, and choosing the right person with whom to share.
One key takeaway is the importance of self-disclosure, which should be incremental and context-dependent rather than indiscriminate. While sharing personal stories can strengthen bonds, it’s crucial to gauge reciprocity and trust in relationships. The book also encourages readers to actively listen to their partners, fostering deeper emotional connections and mutual understanding.
For individuals seeking healthier, more fulfilling relationships, these strategies are particularly valuable. By focusing on how we behave toward others, we create a positive feedback loop that enhances our own sense of being loved. This approach not only improves relationship satisfaction but also contributes to mental health and well-being by reducing feelings of loneliness and fostering social support.
Ultimately, the book challenges readers to shift their mindset from self-centered concerns to prioritizing the emotional needs of others. By doing so, individuals can cultivate more meaningful connections, leading to greater happiness and a stronger sense of belonging in their relationships.
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Originally published on Psychology Today on 2/25/2026