How High Competence Undermines Intimacy
Psychology Today
by Jill P. Weber Ph.D.February 25, 2026
AI-Generated Deep Dive Summary
High competence can be a double-edged sword in relationships, often undermining intimacy over time. While it is a desirable trait that fosters success and stability, unchecked competence can lead partners to focus excessively on problem-solving and logistics, leaving little room for emotional connection. This dynamic was evident in the case of Jayla and Mark, a highly functioning couple who achieved professional and familial milestones but felt an underlying emptiness in their relationship. They prioritized efficiency over vulnerability, treating challenges as opportunities to demonstrate their competence rather than fostering deeper emotional bonds.
The article highlights how this pattern often stems from childhood experiences, where individuals learn to rely on goal-driven behavior to cope with instability. While this approach provides a sense of control and security, it can also alienate partners by turning the relationship into a transactional partnership focused on managing household tasks and solving problems. Over time, this mindset erodes intimacy, leaving couples feeling disconnected despite their shared achievements.
To combat this issue, the article offers practical advice: pause before jumping into problem-solving mode, embrace vulnerability by expressing emotional needs, and allow space for uncertainty rather than seeking immediate solutions. These steps can help partners reconnect on a deeper level, fostering mutual dependence and emotional rawness. By shifting focus from competence to connection, couples can rebuild intimacy and create a more fulfilling relationship.
Ultimately, the article underscores the importance of balancing competence with emotional vulnerability to maintain healthy relationships. This balance is crucial for mental health, as it allows individuals to feel truly seen and accepted by their partners. By prioritizing emotional connection over efficiency, couples can cultivate stronger, more meaningful bonds that stand the test of time.
Verticals
healthmental-health
Originally published on Psychology Today on 2/25/2026