How Our Desires Feed Into Relationship and Life Success

Psychology Today

by Loriann Oberlin MS, LCPC

February 21, 2026

AI-Generated Deep Dive Summary

Desires are a fundamental force shaping our decisions, relationships, and life direction. They influence everything from career choices to intimate connections, often reflecting deeper values and core longings. As noted by Jay Stringer in *Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow*, desires drive personal growth, relationships, and self-discovery. These longings are not static; they evolve with age and life stages, shifting from seeking purpose in youth to embracing authenticity in later years. External influences, such as societal pressures and marketing, also shape what we desire, often leading us to pursue materialistic goals or relationships that may not align with our true needs. Stringer identifies five core longings that underpin human behavior: wholeness, growth, intimacy, pleasure, and significance. The desire for wholeness involves healing past wounds and fostering connections that provide safety and belonging. Growth reflects the need to develop self-awareness and resilience, often through overcoming challenges or embracing vulnerability. Intimacy, on the other hand, is about building deep, meaningful relationships where one feels seen and understood. This chapter emphasizes that true intimacy requires personal transformation and a willingness to face discomfort. The longing for pleasure focuses on physical connection and sexual health, highlighting how sex can be both a source of healing and a reflection of deeper emotional needs. Finally, the desire for significance drives individuals to seek validation and purpose, often through achievements or contributing to others. Understanding these desires is crucial for mental and emotional well-being. Recognizing patterns in what we chase after can help us make more intentional choices about relationships, career, and personal goals. By aligning our actions with our true values and longings, individuals can foster healthier, more fulfilling lives. This insight is particularly valuable for those seeking to improve their mental health, as it encourages self-reflection and mindful decision-making. Ultimately, desires are not just fleeting

Verticals

healthmental-health

Originally published on Psychology Today on 2/21/2026