The First Task of Estrangement: Stabilize
Psychology Today
by Joshua Coleman Ph.D.February 22, 2026
AI-Generated Deep Dive Summary
When a parent becomes estranged from an adult child, the immediate instinct is often to fix the situation or take action. However, as noted in the article *The First Task of Estrangement: Stabilize*, healing begins with stabilization rather than rushing into problem-solving. The process involves five key steps: soothing, slowing, reflecting, choosing, and healing. These steps are essential because they align with how the nervous system responds to emotional threats, ensuring parents can manage their emotions effectively before taking action.
The article highlights that estrangement often triggers intense emotions like panic, shame, and rage, making it difficult to think clearly. Soothing is the first step, involving grounding techniques and self-compassion to calm the nervous system. This is followed by slowing down, which creates space for reflection instead of immediate reactions. Reflecting helps parents understand the broader context of their relationship and avoid premature self-blame. Finally, choosing involves making intentional decisions about how much emotional pain they can tolerate and what kind of contact is sustainable.
The order of these steps matters because attempting to skip them can lead to frustration or ineffective outcomes. Healing is a slow process that requires patience and self-compassion. It’s not about finding quick solutions but building clarity and resilience over time. The article emphasizes that recovery involves rebuilding meaning and purpose while carrying loss, which fosters resilience rather than dwelling on negative emotions.
This approach is particularly relevant for readers interested in mental health, as it provides practical tools to manage emotional distress during estrangement. By focusing on stabilization, parents can regain control, reduce self-blame, and move toward healing in a balanced way. This framework acknowledges the complexity of estrangement and offers a structured path toward rebuilding one’s life with dignity and purpose.
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Originally published on Psychology Today on 2/22/2026